Das etwas andere Interview. Hier habe ich mal alle Fragen zusammengestellt, die sich die Bands – die ich seit der Printausgabe Nr. 23 befragt habe – fuer andere Bands ausgedacht haben. Welche Person schien im Vorfeld da geeigneter zu sein, als einer von unseren guten Bekannten des Hauses, Rev. Norb von BORIS THE SPRINKLER.
from the BRIEFS / 3RD No. 23
Steve E. Nix: the Briefs told me that you guys smell funny, like sardines or something. Why do you smell that way?
NORB: If, in fact, I do smell a bit sardinish, my only guess as to why this may have happened has to do with the fact that my name is "Norbert" -- and, as you may recall, one of the more popular brands of Norwegian Sardines is the "Norbest" brand. I can only assume that Ralf has errantly typed an "s" somewhere in this interview where my "r" should be, and, with the judicious application of a little White-Out™ (or Teutonic equivalent), everything should be smelling like the proverbial rose (or, in my case, Rozek) once again. If that doesn't take care of it, it might also be due to the fact that I have not bathed since the last all-nude women's basketball game/Twister marathon that I officiated.
Lance Romance: Do you like gladiator movies?
NORB: Well, I liked "Caligula," although the password was apparently not "scrotum." As a rule, I tend to like any movie where ancient despots routinely torture and maim their underlings, plus I think helmets with scrub brushes on the top added to the presence of oiled, glistening pectoral muscles is a lethal combination.
from the NAPALM STARS / 3RD No. 24
Tim Stegall: Tell us about the transvestite drummer…we understand that he was another sex in a previous lifetime…
NORB: I was once in a band with a drummer who was a large chicken dressed up like a rabbit. I think in a previous lifetime he was actually a male.
Tom Napalm: Hey…Who cut your hair?
NORB: Eric Plekan, aka "Bitty," one of the singers in Remission/Stand Off/fifty billion other Wisconsin hardcore/crust/whatever outfits. He also wrestles locally under the name of "Straight Edge Eric Hammers." He once wrestled Jerry "The King" Lawler's WIFE. I shit you not.
Jon: How many of your previous drummers have spontaneously combusted?
NORB: I usually can't wait that long for them to explode, so i surreptitiously play them with lethal, explosion-inducing piles of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola, then disguise the results as "natural causes" (i.e., spontaneous combustion).
from the BROKEN BOTTLES / 3RD No. 24
Darren: Is there any questions I asked that you don't want to answer?
NORB: No, but I wish I wouldn't replied "yes" to Todd from Razorcake's question of "Do you want to review the Broken Bottles 'Drinking In The Rain' single?"
Darren: Do you play for the money or the pussy? (it's worth a try)
NORB: I work for the money, and I write for the pussy. I play so I can have a platform from which to announce to the world how much money and pussy I have obtained. Copious, copious amounts, I can assure you.
from DROPKICK MURPHYS / 3RD #No. 26
Ken Casey: Have you ever had any interesting encounters with dangerous wildlife creatures such as grizzly bears, crocodiles or sharks while on tour?
NORB: Oh, you mean like Dan Burr? No, not recently, but, bringing this all back to my barber, he said he was on tour recently with his band (I don't even remember what the hell his current band is called), and he said that, in Texas, they had affixed a large pair of steer horns to their van. They were somewhere in Colorado, trying to find some remote hardcore-fest, and wound up driving through some huge open area with cattle meandering around...suddenly, as I understand it, a frickin' bull spots their van with the attached steer horns, charges up to it, starts pawing the ground and snorting smoke out of its nostrils like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, apparently getting ready to attack the van in a furious blast of Taurus-esque violence -- so they fled in haste. I, personally, consider myself lucky that I was not a passenger on that particular journey, as, in a tight spot such as that, I am sure that I would have been flung out of the van, with my Antler Helmet on, and forced to subdue the bull myself.
Ken: Do you think you might be breaking up anytime soon?
NORB: Yes, I have been very influenced by sectional furniture, so I am going to attempt a new life as a pit group this fall.
from CHANNEL 3 / 3RD No. 26
Mike Magrann: Hey, did you steal that guitar chord from CH3, you fuckers?!
NORB: Why, Mike -- by saying this, You Make Me Feel Cheap! But, since I've Got A Gun, I guess I'll Take My Chances. Anything to forget my fear of life! Of life!
from the WASPS / 3RD No. 27
Jesse Lynn-Dean: If you wasn't in the band you are (or were) in, what band would you have liked to have been in and why?
NORB: I wish I was in the Mystery Girls because then I'd be about 15 years younger than i am right now.
from EATER / 3RD No. 27
Andy Blade: Do you believe in life after death?
NORB: Fuck, I barely believe in life BEFORE death!
Andy Blade: Have you ever caught your dick in your zip?
NORB: Yeah, I kept trying to get it free, but I guess my zipper wanted to Lock It Up. It did enjoy the Outside View, however. At least it was only my dick, and not my Debutantes Balls! Did your bass player catch his dick in his zip, and have to have it removed, and then replace it with a prosthesis made out of maple? I assume he got the name "Woodcock" for SOME logical reason...
from D-CUP / 3RD No. 27
Billy G.: What do think of the United States Government?
NORB: We don't have a government, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.
Trash: Do you drink? If no, why not? If yes, what is your favorite beer?
NORB: I drink like mad to make up for time lost not drinking in the nineties, and my favorite beer is always the one after the one I'm drinking now. "Diminishing returns" my ass!
from the SLEAZIES / 3RD No. 28
Jami: What kind of car do you drive?
NORB: I drive an egg yolk yellow 2003 Pontiac Sunfire with a sunroof and fuzzy purple pillows and a purple rubber skull in the backseat. My license plates read "BADYOLK." Hyuk.
Jami: What's your creepiest, most deviant sexual fetish?
NORB: I don't think any of my sexual deviances are creepy, I mean, I like filming group sex with Asian girls with shaved pussies dressed up as superheros and/or cheerleaders, but, to me, that seems pretty benign. I do routinely disengage from sexual coupling to turn the album over though, girls seem to find that a bit creep-ish.
Darga: Why do you consider yourself a punk?
NORB: Because I've been listening to punk rock for 25 years and I've got more Chuck Taylors than you do.
Darga: Do you believe in God, and if so do you think he/she/it approves of your lifestyle?
NORB: Sure I believe in God -- if there was no God, who would have made me a reverend? Besides, it doesn't cost anything, and if you die and it turns out that it WAS important to believe in God, your ass is covered. If you die and you find out that there WASN'T a God, well, so what? Big deal. You're fucked anyway. God loves my lifestyle, but he wants me to buy a new sofa and some tacos. YES, LORD. I HEAR THEE. I LIVE TO SERVE!
Josh: How many pillows do you sleep with?
NORB: Under normal circumstances, one. If I need to see the TV to watch porno movies while i'm jerking off in bed, I need three. If I have a girl sleeping with me, I need two. If I have two girls sleeping with me, I need three. I also have one of those big long pillows that's about twice or more as long as a normal pillow, but it looks so cool I keep it out in the living room.
Pete: Do you know where you’re at?
NORB: I'M IN!!! I'M IN!!! MY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!!! SOLITARY CONFINEMENT!!! Please correct me if i have reached this conclusion in error.
Pete: What makes a man start fires?
NORB: Marijuana is not apt to ignite itself.
from CHARM SCHOOL / 3RD No. 28
Tina: After touring in a small broken down band how long can you stand the smell?
NORB: Considering that the stinkiest thing in any given van was always my sweat-soaked polyester Halloween stage costumes, in a relative sense I could always endure the smell longer than anyone else trapped in the van with me, but, then again, I had a window seat.
Tina: How many fingers am I holding up?
from BAD LUCK CHARMS / 3RD No. 28
Kerry Martinez: When did you discover ya wanted to play music for the rest of your life? If you don´t really want to do it for the rest of your life, don´t ya think you should stop now?
NORB: Good point. I guess that means I'm done.
And an extra one from me:
Ralf Real Shock: Why are American people so afraid of squirrels?
NORB: I always thought most Americans thought of squirrels as cuddly, bushy things, like little bitty Tina Turners cross-bred with rats. However, my own experience with the squirrel who lives in the maple tree in my front yard is that, every so often, when I am sitting on the porch, minding my own business, as humans do, this cracked-out squirrel comes running down the tree, halts suddenly, then tries to stare me down while he makes this berzerk quacking sound, like Daffy Duck in the throes of complete and utter bloodlust. I have never, in my life, heard any other squirrel but this wacko make any noise whatsoever, except for the occasional clatter of their claws against tree bark, but THIS zany fucker...well, I'm under the impression he drinks Red Bull and munches cheekfuls of espresso beans 24/7. There is also a similarly crazy gopher who lives in my yard -- i'm probably living right next to some manner of rodent crack house or something.
Thanks very much Norb, maybe till next time.
Ralf Real Shock (September 2004)